And here I am. Months after wondering what happened and why. Why did I deserve this again? It makes no sense really. So much abuse in my life wasn't enough?
And here I am. In my dark corner, lost, what I loved most gone away for one more time, and I left here broken into a million pieces, unable to express, unable to dream, unable to rest. Waking up every day in the same nightmare, the same hidden hell that's there either you like it or not.
I did my best to let you go, I even trying hating you. But I simply can't. Nothing makes sense. I remember all these times we gave a fight together through our fears and insecurities. I remember these days where we hugged each other so strong for so long, two broken people looking for healing. I remember saying to me I am here to heal you and please heal me too....
And here I am, with my heart in my hands, watching at it, wondering how am I going to put the pieces together. I know this is a test. Again.... No love only tests, again and again.
And you wonder. What is your plan with me Universe? I gave everything I had to you. I was there asking nothing and here she comes. Struggled to open me up to just leave me behind wounded, bleeding like mad... Confused, fighting with emotions I buried within me years ago.
Did I want to feel again? Yes. But not pain. Love. Compassion. Enthusiasm. Joy.
Do I want to get you out of my mind? Yes. Cause it makes no sense. It only delivers pain and confusion. Do I hate you? No. I love you more than I could love before.
I thought I was strong and then you came. You came with your laughter and your aliveness to match my dream. And we laughed, we teased each other, we helped others together, we created our small reality. And we danced with our eyes closed as the world was spinning around us.
And here I am. Loving you so much but at the same time I just wanna run away from everyone and anything. Scared of the behavioral patterns of the humans so much, it feels that all hope is lost.
That's not a pessimistic article. This is a raw, true, cruel reality of the genuine TF relationships. And you left wonder. What is Divine about this? What is holy when you say "ok here take my dreams and desires, here you can have her too" but still you can't find peace within?
Guess it's the process right?
What kind of healing though? The one that prepares the few to become completely detached from any emotion or needs right? The kind of process that turns Kings and Queens into simple humble servants.
Well... Let it be. Hold on there. We will make it through. #my22 #my33
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